But I dont want to have church......

Sounds like the beggining of a 5 year olds rant on Sunday Morning doesnt it. Ive spent lots of time going to "church" and like most people have defined church as a place and a time during my week of other things to do. Do you think God laughs at us? God in my understanding is hard to define hes everywhere, He knows everything, hes in everything. Ive had two seperate sermons lately that have come my way. One i bought and one given to me from oposite ends of my personal religious spectrum that have both talked about how quantum physacists are finding that no matter how far down they break matter they cant find the end. They are being forced to have faith and believe that things are the way they say they are. That at the end of it all there is this energy that cant be defined. We define everything in life we define church, and we define being a christian, and we even try to define God. ( Or what God is like) So I have defined church and my definition is getting blown to pieces daily. I met with a wise old man last week ( he probably wouldnt abmit to being either and hes not really old but he is much wiser than I) and during our talk I realized that that A: I have some issues from my past ( who doesnt ) B: I might have started a church! I kept saying i didnt want to have a house church i didnt even want to call anything church and i was informed it was basically too late. I imagine God laughing at this point because he has an awesome sense of humour or id be dead already.
You see we started having a bible study. I didnt want to call it a bible study. I didnt want to have it on wednesday because thats when most bible study/ house groups meet. I didnt really want anything more than to gather a group of people in my home for the oportunity to build relationships with god as the focus of those relationships. "Sounds like a church" is what i was told. " But I dont really have any intereste in starting a church. I dont see myself as a pastor." "Yeah thats what I said", He told me.
It would seem to come down to interpreting what a church is. For so much of my life church has been a building on the corner of east georgia street in vancouver. A pastor was someone that had a fulltime paid position to feed the flock so to speak. (Boy that sounds religious!) But what im discovering for myself is that there are many different ways to do church. The church in the bible was people. They met in houses. Being pastoral was a calling, Different from being a teacher, a profit, a healer. All giftings that the people need to function as a whole. Im not very musical so I deffinetly wouldnt be in charge of leading a worship service but that doesnt meen that God cant put a song on my heart. Im also not very scholarly and that doesnt limit me from having something good to say. So I started a church. And that scares me to death! I feel responsible for other peoples well being now. What if I disapoint them. What if I offend them. What if Im wrong!!!
Its so funny that God puts something on your heart and you start to make it your own. My last three statments revolve around I. As though it really all started with me. God said do it! I did it. I wanted to know who to invite God said these people! Then he added another when I finally decided to listen. And now I have to make one more phone call because hes Given me another name. The one person I really wanted to see come isnt really that interested in coming right now. People even had to be told they couldnt come and that was frightening. How do you tell someone they cant come to your house to fellowship with everyone for the sake of some of the people you feel God wants to be there? All very wierd new concepts and feelings for me.
So hear I sit slowly typing it out. Its hard to discuss where your at because I would never have got this all out in a conversation without having to clarify or defend or justify. Its not about defending Because God can defend himself. And my only justification is God said so that really turns it all back to him. I am now part of a church. It meets at my house on wednesday nights and we start with dinner we dont yet have a worship service but that might come. We have watched a couple of videos and had a good time to discuss. And other than that we are open to anything that God has for us. We arent even sure what to do this wednesday night! Seeing as there have been only two people checking out my blog and im related to both of them makes it easier to pour out what Im going through without being afraid of what they have to say. And thats something ill have to get over. I have to learn to be more transparent with people and take the critisism to God and let him direct it. Whoooooooo...... what a journey!